He looked sad and dejected. I said a ‘Hi’. His facial muscles made some movements. He was in pain to force out a smile. There is something in his eyes which told me he is experiencing an internal conflict. My trained eyes could espy the ‘free child’ within him, lying somewhere down there deep within him, suppressed, buried, but willing to come out and grow wings if given the chance. He is only 22 years, with interests in varied fields from computers to philosophy to space technology. And trust me; he is very good in mathematics too. But he is not happy. “Happiness is not for me,” he told me during our first day of acquaintance, and read out a list of reasons to prove that he is right in forming his opinion about him. He was not reading out the list from any paper, but from his memory. The list came out spontaneously. He is not alone in this world in thinking that happiness, love, respect, friendship, etc are not ‘for me’. He is one among the millions in the ever growing community of people who had subscribed to the mistaken beliefs.

The point is why do we subscribe to the mistaken beliefs and engrave them in our mind when these beliefs bring us nothing but unhappiness? The root cause is somewhere in the childhood. Maybe the family environment was not conducive to a healthy growth of the child. Maybe the childhood was interrupted by various means, and to preserve our self we took some decisions (in our childhood). That is called ‘childhood scripting’. And, in our childhood itself we decided what we are going to be throughout our life. The script written by us, during our childhood, for us, is continued till our last, unless intervened.

No one in this world wants to lead an unloved unhappy life. Every single human being is born expecting love, care, happiness, success, and a healthy life (mentally and physically). But, the environment if not conducive, moulds us in different cast. We have parents fighting among each other forcing the child to feel insecure. We have dominant parents who don’t respect the individuality of the child, forcing the child to write his life script to survive. We have carefree parents who never expressed enough love to their children, forcing the child to believe “I am not lovable.” We have parents who blackmail and coerce their children to obey them, and the child starts to believe “I will have to obey others if I am to survive. I will have to please others if I am to survive.” The life script continues forcing the child to make numerous mistaken conclusions.

As children we tend to make many false conclusions about reality, usually burdening ourselves with the responsibility for everything, including our parent’s anger, absence, abandonment, unhappiness, illness, separation, death, etc. We tend to conclude that there is something wrong with us and that we do not have the right to feel good about ourselves, we do not deserve the health, happiness, love and attention we need.

Some of the possible childhood mistaken beliefs are listed below. Please make a mark next to beliefs or feelings which you have observed in yourself, so that you can work on them.

1. I must be like the others in order for them to accept me.

2. If they do not love and accept me, I am not safe.

3. If others do not accept me, I am not worthy.

4. I must be ‘right’ in order to be worthy and for them to love me.

5. I must be perfect in order for others to accept me and love me.

6. I must be better than others in order to be worthy.

7. I must have ___ in order to be safe.

8. I must have ___ in order to worthy.

9. I must achieve ___ in order to be worthy.

10. I must be loved and accepted by those close to me in order to be happy.

11. In order to feel worthy I must be able and successful.

12. My happiness is not in my own hands. I am the victim of external factors.

13. My self-worth is dependent on:

• What others think of me.

• The results of my efforts.

• My appearance

• My money and fortune.

• My knowledge

• How I compare to others.

• If I am married.

• My professional position.

• Other ___

14. I am safe only if I have:

• A spouse

• Money

• Specific persons in my life

• Others’ approval

• Other ___

15. I am responsible for others health safety, happiness, success, and satisfaction.

16. Others are responsible for my reality and how I feel.

17. I am not a good person.

18. I’m unworthy, no matter what I do.

19. I feel unworthy and I cannot perform when I am scolded, rejected, accused or when others are angry at me.

20. I’m in danger when others are angry at me, when they scold, accuse or reject me.

21. People don’t love me.

22. I’m responsible for the others miseries. Their miseries are due to me.

23. I’m alone in life.

24. I am unprotected, vulnerable, and in danger.

25. No one wants to be with me.

26. I’m not worthy of a permanent, steady relationship. I will be abandoned.

27. There is no steady support, friendship, love in this world, or, if there is, I cannot have it or I am not worthy of it.

28. I am unworthy of affection, tenderness or expression of love.

29. No matter what I am, I will always be treated unjustly. There is no justice in this world for me.

30. I cannot have what I want or what I need.

31. I must not ask for what I want.

32. The human body is weak and vulnerable to illness and pain.

33. It’s my fault when someone close to me is ill.

34. I have no right to be happy or in a good mood when others are sick.

35. Illness shows weakness and I must not get sick so as not to show weakness.

36. My self-worth is measured in relation to how I compare with others.

37. Others accept me and want me only if they believe me to be strong and superior.

38. Others don’t love me enough to stay with me.

39. I cannot trust men (women).

40. Those of the opposite sex want me only for my body.

41. Sex is violence.

42. The sexual act is violent and causes pain.

43. The sexual act is dirty and brutal.

44. I must definitely repay others what they have given me.

45. I don’t want to receive anything from anyone because then I’ll be indebted to them. I will not be free.

46. I am always obligated to others no matter what I do.

47. I must sacrifice what I believe in and want, in order to satisfy my parents (or others).

48. The others are obliged to me for what I do for them.

49. I’m guilty (responsible) for the others; reality (for their health, peace, success, etc.

50. I have no right to be well, happy, in a good mood or to rest when others have problems or are not well.

51. Others are responsible for my unhappiness, illness, failure.

52. I must save others and the world. People are incapable of doing it themselves.

53. Others don’t know, they must listen to me. I must solve their problems.

54. I cannot have confidence in others to do things because they might make mistakes.

55. If I don’t do it, no one will.

56. I am treated unjustly because I always help and sacrifice myself for others, but they don’t help me when I need help.

57. I must be always strong, must never show weakness or ask for help.

58. I am incapable.

59. I’m not intelligent.

60. I’ll be unable to succeed in my purpose.

61. I am bad, dirty and guilty because I have sexual drives, feelings or needs.

62. I am unworthy of God’s love.

63. I am a sinner, and God does not love me.

64. God will punish me in life. Bad things will definitely happen.

65. Things cannot be always pleasant.

66. Teachers and people of authority want to oppress me, to make me feel inferior, hurt me.

67. I am in danger of being controlled by those in positions of power.

68. We must fight authority.

69. Others will laugh at me, make fun of me.

70. Others cannot be trusted.

Reading the list above if you feel you have reasons to believe that you have subscribed to some of the mistaken beliefs, it will do good if professional intervention is sought.

prodyotpransaikia@gmail.com

Prodyot Pran Saikia