Sixteen years and three children into her marriage, Nancy Michaels’ husband dealt her the blow of a lifetime. Out of the blue, he told her he wanted a divorce – but he wouldn’t tell her or their kids why he was leaving. Months later, a sudden and unexpected medical problem found Michaels close to death.

Unable to take care of her children while she was hospitalised, she risked losing custody of them permanently.

Now, less than four years later, with her health back, Michaels has risen from the depths of emotional despair brought on by the blow of an unexpected divorce, regained primary custody of her children, bought a house of her own, and begun a website exclusively for women over 40 going through divorce.

Without question, coping with divorce can be one of the most difficult challenges a person faces in a lifetime. Mental health experts say the pain it causes rivals grieving the death of a loved one. But, as Michaels’ story illustrates, surviving divorce is possible.

We spoke with the pros – adults who have been through a divorce, as well as counsellors who help people survive the effects of divorce – to learn what coping strategies work to help people through this trying time.

· Seek Out a Support Network
 No single strategy will ease the pain and loss that divorce brings. But, time and time again, when asked how best to weather the effects of divorce, respondents say this: lean on a support network.

Finding support is not just for women. While women tend to seek and find support rather easily while coping with divorce, men are more likely to hesitate to reach out to others, despite having equally strong emotional needs.

While emotional support helps people navigate the initially painful hurdles of divorce, the importance of shoring up assistance for practical purposes post-divorce cannot be overstated.

· Redefine Yourself
 Going through a divorce means no longer being part of a couple, a reality that can come as a relief or a frightening prospect. “For the person who sees him or herself as multifaceted, it’s generally a lot easier. But if someone has been nothing but a spouse and saw that as the most important role, it can be pretty crushing,” Coleman says.

Looking at this time as a period of self-exploration is one way to overcome feelings of isolation and fear. “Take up new hobbies, activities, interests – expand yourself. Stay busy in a constructive way,” suggests Patricia Covalt, a marriage therapist.

Exploring untapped interests can be both a place to positively let go of the grief brought on by divorce and a way to redefine yourself.

· Minimise the Impact on Kids
 While coping with divorce, pain is inevitable — but soon-to-be ex-spouses have the power to minimise the pain their children feel by keeping things as amicable as possible.

“You’re dealing with a lot of grief and personal feelings. But always avoid criticising the other parent in front of the children,” says Jennipher Cole, a marriage and family therapist in Houston.

She has seen the poor outcomes of clients who ignore this advice: in younger children, regressive behaviour like bed-wetting; in older children and teenagers, low self-esteem and risky behaviour.

Cole also warns against pulling children into any conflict with an ex-spouse, a scenario that provokes “taking sides.” Others echo her sentiments. “If you put your kids in the middle, it’s a short gain with a long loss. I’m much more interested in maintaining a long-term relationship with my kids,” Michaels says.

ELIZABETH HEUBECK