What a pity! It was like a bridge too far away, for both of us to cross, as the svelte Senorita and I rued the opportunity to greet each other in traditional Spanish style, in stylish September. Neither of us, you see, wanted a ticket for a free ride!

A ticket to heaven for free … runs the ad-line and usp for Air Swine’s success as the movie stings you with its runaway hit jingle – Every breath that you take, every move that you make, I will be watchin you ...

Flying from its Headquarters in the Gulf of Mexico, the worldwide network offers its select duty free service for passengers, only at three classy international airports — Openhaven-Nostrilia, Plymouth and Seethro’atia.

Well, the Swine has flown! Flew first class from continent to continent, to spread the message of Flight Number H1N1. Have one, no one. To do so, maintain a healthy hygiene.

With wings now on his epaulette, it says, “raise a toast to thee and me, for I have been specially made for him and her. Show off your culinary skills if you have roasted me tender and left it a little juicy to sample. Feel free to boast, if you know all my assets in Bank Ham, Bacon and Sausages of Switzerland and can also place my well-proportioned derriere on your dining table. (Occasionally, blow your nose but please, not your trumpet).

“Why do you whine? Uncork and shake a leg or two, even if the stomach sways, for I go with your wine so well. Sparkling champagne or the sweet summer wines of Barsac ? A decision that will matter on what’s lying on your plate and the size of your wallet. When I fly off the plate, the wine flows. Like the river Rhine to the sea. (Enjoy, but never indulge in the art of passing air, in public!)

“Man o’ man, you call the Lord above by so many names! You go to the moon and plan for Mars. Pretend that you know more than your Maker. He takes a simple test and you fail. A simple remedy for my gene malfunction is beyond your capability? Wonder, who should be laughing at whom. Or call the laughing stock. Can you take a good poke in the ribs?

“You have me Live, on Air 24X7 and still wonder. I am no problem. Don’t want me? Just gargle, in warm salt water only. I can survive in your malt, but never in your salt.

“More than news about me on the telly or your Vital stats, watch your Vit C and Zinc intake. Tamiflu? Avoid it. Could help you catch a tummy flu. A real tummy drain! Oh, by the way, that’s one way of getting rid of me. Can’t survive in your gut.

“Thank God, your cars don’t fly. Even then, every day on the road, you lose more of your brethren than in the inaugural flight of Air Swine flu, our low-cost subsidiary.

“With apologies to all and sundry, including those who have lost their near and the dear. To also, the likeable bloody swine as my friends in Denmark and Melanesia will swear by. Why then, all this shoo sha?

“If yours is not a fridge too far because of the sweet tooth or the pressure that frolics because of the intake, do raise a toast alongwith a piece of the roast, to the test of the divine!

“You will rue if you wish to sue me, for this is one case your lawyer will prefer to wash his hands off. Frequently. Maybe, even join me on a Sunday morning to pickle that yummy in to the tummy and tickle the cleaned up funny bone, on your plate. As for those who are ill and suffering, I wish you Godspeed for an early recovery.

“Anyone for fresh lime ? Too sweet or salty for your taste… ?”

Would love to know as I bid adieu to my friend from Espana, who flew in from Mexico City — Hasta la vista!

raktimphookan@hotmail.com

Raktim Phookan