The first question that naturally comes to mind is: Why is it necessary to know how to spot a musician? Why is this a skill that we all need to acquire? But this first question can be answered coherently only at the end of this piece, after the whole process of spotting one is catalogued.

To begin with, let us set out the parameters. “Musician” in the context of today’s column implies “Musician who practises Indian music.” This could be of any genre: Classical, folk, light, traditional. It’s true that we do have accomplished musicians in our region who practise non-Indian, mostly Western music. They, however, are excluded from this piece. For various reasons (which will perhaps become self evident as this column progresses,) it is far more difficult to spot a Western musician when he or she is out shopping, for instance, or is simply partying. So let us concentrate on the much easier task of spotting a musician who practises Indian music in our region.

First, of course, is the Attitude. Yes, Attitude with a capital A. The musician as she is seen in this part of the world has a manner that drips gravitas. It is as though he is conscious of the “fact” that he is a seer, a prophet, a person whose work is so much more important than that of others around him that he is cuts above those doctors and lawyers who are, after all, “mere mortals” compared to his own godlike status. He cultivates an otherworldly manner, as though he can see, even as he sits with the rest of us, into the future, or at least into the heart of the cosmos. This means that the musician is a person who avoids eye contact with others. As he sits aloof on his Olympian height, it is unthinkable that he will actually deign to greet the person next to him, even if he is quite well known to him.

Of course the rest of slaving humanity, not being burdened with the kind of attitude that the musician has, is not in the least inhibited about greeting the guy. The musician, thus greeted, acknowledges the other’s salutation in a highly artificial manner, in a way that can only be called condescending. Some rare people are not miffed at this attitude. Most, however, feel slighted, and why not? In a world where friendliness and courtesy are counted as assets, where everybody is pressed for time, it is understandable that in a social situation, people leave the musician to himself, and seek out others who have more to offer in the area of good manners.

If the musician has climbed up a rung or two on the musical hierarchy, he can easily be identified by the shoals of toadies and chamchas who surround him. For it is true, alas, that the musician loves to have his ego pampered. As for the chamchas, proximity to the “great” man himself is a kind of high in itself, a second-hand achievement. It is as though by obsequiously bowing and scraping and laughing too loud at supposedly humorous comments, some of the greatness of the musician will rub off on the toadies themselves. This arrangement therefore works both ways, and is in fact a way of recognizing both the chamcha and the musician.

If the musician is a vocalist, there is one foolproof way in which s/he can be identified, that is, through the scarf or the muffler that s/he wears, in all weathers. Stiflingly hot or blindingly humid, it doesn’t matter. The true vocalist, especially the middle rung one, never leaves home without his badge of honour, the muffler around his throat. Indeed, this accessory is so ubiquitous that the singer’s neck is often pale for lack of sunlight. One cannot help thinking, though, that the scarf serves a deeper purpose than is immediately apparent. Its true purpose is not to protect the vocalist’s throat, but to announce to the world that the throat it is supposedly protecting is actually that of a person who is not an ordinary mortal like you and me, but a creature who is a Singer! A Vocalist! An Artiste!

Of course there are still people, ordinary, friendly people, who will brave all these off-putting signs, and still talk courteously to the musician. Not because s/he is famous, but because they themselves are well bred. All doubts about the person’s profession end within minutes of the start of the conversation. For most musicians talk only of themselves and their professions. It is as though the rest of toiling humanity has no profession. The air becomes thick with “I have just come back from such and such a tour, where my programme was greatly appreciated” or “I shall be going day after tomorrow to this or that place, where they are waiting for my music with a great deal of impatience.” These pronouncements are made in sober tones that give the impression that he is speaking of something that is of extreme significance, with much meaningful raising of eyebrows and lowering of voice.

Other people would be called boastful if they spoke in this vein. Besides, most people take pains not to talk about their work, or to bring the office to places of relaxation or to a circle of friends or acquaintances. The musician, however, thinks nothing of this. It is part of the grand scheme of things for him. So while the heart surgeon shies away from discussing his work in public, the musician thinks nothing of monopolizing the conversation with souped-up descriptions of the popularity of his work.

Another sure marker of a musician is the way he carries around his biodata with him. It is common, these days, for most middle rung musicians to hire the services of a brochure maker, and take out a glossy pamphlet that unfolds in accordion folds. These brochures are full of posed photographs of the musician, interspersed with inflated comments, supposedly made about the person’s performances. This he whips out at the slightest opportunity, and presses into the hands of people whom he thinks might be useful to him in the furtherance of his career – journalists, for instance, or impresarios.

All Things Considered, then, we come back to the question raised at the beginning of this piece. Now that we are at the end, the answer is self-evident, is it not? For though the musician is quite likely to be a good man or woman, it is often seen, alas, that the person is a Social Bore. Pure and simple.

Sad, is it not?

MITRA PHUKAN