People have many memorable days and incidences in their lives - I have them too. I have experienced some tender moments as a woman. Even today, I remember those days and incidences.

At an auspicious moment on that day, almost twenty years ago, I had entered my father-in-law’s house as a shy bride, my head covered. I had entered my husband’s house in the garb of a wife – the house, that I, as a daughter-in-law, would declare to be my own. When I entered that house, my husband and I knelt down before all the elders of the house, as was the custom, to pay our respects. We paid our respects to paternal uncle and aunt-Dadai and Khurie, maternal uncle and aunt- Maha and Mahi, and Peha and Pehi, and many other elderly persons of the house by touching their feet. Many of them showered lots of blessings on us and we accepted them with all gratefulness and humility. Some blessed us by saying, “ May you be a Sati like Sabitri.” Some said, “May you become united as Hara-Gauri.” Pishima, in her pure white garb, blessed me saying “May you wear sindur on your forehead till your hair turns grey.” ‘Dadai-Khurie said, “May you give birth to sons,” while some others said, “May you become the mother of a hundred sons.” On hearing these blessings of becoming the mother of sons, a twenty year old bride that I was, I blushed as if someone had smeared abeer or red powder all over my face. At the end of the obeisance ritual, I could not look up. I wished to flee from my husband, whom I had seen only twice before our marriage and who was now standing beside me.

In this manner, the marriage rituals ended and the showering of blessings was also over. Maha-Mahi, Dadai-Khurie returned to their respective homes. Only some of us continued to stay on –Ma-Deuta, that is, Sahur, my father-in-law, and Sahu, my mother-in-law, my husband’s elder brother, Barjana and his wife Baideu and their two sons, Tultul and Jintu, Sewali, my sister-in-law, five years my senior, and her daughter Jilmil. After sometime, Sewali also left to join her husband who lived far away in Mumbai. When she was leaving, she pinched my cheeks and gave me a gift. With her eyes full of mischief, she laughed and said, “Take this; I will not be able to come soon from so far. I will come when we get the transfer, which will be after a year or so. You two will probably not wait for me.” My brother-in-law and his wife also returned to their workplace. Before leaving, my sister-in-law teased, “When you go home for Panchamreet , don’t forget to inform us.”

With the departure of all the guests, peace reigned in the whole house. Taking advantage of the quietness and boredom, I took the opportunity to open the packet given to me by Sewali. It contained a baby sweater set. I felt a shiver within me. These are everlasting moments in a woman’s life. Marriage marks the beginning of a new life as a daughter-in-law; it is also the starting point of motherhood. A girl after her marriage becomes a daughter-in-law, a wife and subsequently a mother.

Days passed; many springs came and went. I took to studies since I had nothing else to do. I procured a lot of degrees. As I advanced in years, I learnt a lot of things. In the meantime, my sister-in-law and brother-in-law met us on several occasions. Jilmil now had a brother and a sister. Then father-in-law died. A year later, mother-in-law also passed away. So once again we assembled.

With the passage of time, I also became very busy. I joined many organisations – mahila samities, ladies’ club, orphanages etc. I was the Secretary of one of these, President of another, Treasurer of yet another, and so on and so forth. I was in great demand. They said that I was efficient because of my education. I had plenty of time in my hands because I did not have a job and had a small family. I had plenty of facilities at my disposal because my husband was holding a high post. Since we had plenty of time, we travelled a lot- we went to Delhi, Bombay, Vellore and Madras. During these holidays, we visited many doctors who embroidered on me. We also visited many mandirs in Benaras, Vrindaban, Puri, Gaya and Mathura. We prayed for God’s blessings and returned home with hearts full of hope.

And then it was time for the family to assemble yet again. Brother-in-law’s daughter was married off and their son too married and brought a bride home. Again, for some days, the house was filled with fun and frolic. Jilmil also got married. They were showered with similar blessings like the ones showered on me many years ago. I looked at the bride, to see whether her face had flushed like mine. I prayed to God that I might be blessed again in the same manner. Now my face will not blush and no one will be able to touch my cheeks with colour. “Oh lord, those blessings which I had received then had coloured my cheeks. Had that been my offence?”

I participated fully in all the celebrations and functions of the marriage ceremonies of the children of Barjana-Baideu and Nanad-Jowai. But, in spite of that, I felt a deep emptiness within me. I wanted to enjoy the fun thoroughly but, at the same time, there was a vacuum that disturbed me deeply. The assurances given by the doctors had shed like the white Sewali flowers of autumn. My education was like the hard shell of a snail, which prevented me from enjoying the fun whole-heartedly. Everyone thought that I was happy in their happiness. Yes, I was truly happy from deep inside me. Yet, the desert- like emptiness in my heart was burning and destroying me with its searing intensity. Sometimes, I felt afraid that I would be found out.

Perhaps many people had detected this. And probably Mazroon Bibi on her part had also detected it, just the way I had found out.

(To be continued)

Translated by Madhobi Medhi

Suniti Sonowal